Recently I read an…essay anchored to a Gloria Steinem statement entitled, "[We are] The Men We Wanted To Marry!" It suggests today's woman has great difficulty finding an adequate mate because, in many cases, she has an education and career experience that empower her to do as much or more than her male counterpart. Oh, put a sock in it.

Unfortunately, these kinds of overtly sensational statements about the failure of men to meet the expectations of today's women rarely reflect common sense or the full dynamics of relationships. For example, there's absolutely nothing unusual about women (or men) trying to find someone who shares their values, interests, and objectives. A relationship is, after all, a joining process, not a separation. To enter into or maintain a relationship in a confrontational mode, i.e., "I make more money than you," and "I have a better job than you," and "I have more degrees and a better education than you," etc., is not a joining, it's a battle. It's a war to see who wins and, ultimately, at the expense of the relationship, and children (if there are any) and, most importantly, at the expense of LOVE which, and here's the "bottom line" was never mentioned in the…essay. LOVE is the primary foundation for any relationship to last. Without regard to anything else, in the absence of love, then relationships often have entirely different purposes, values and expectations, and ITS ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY!

Use your common sense. Of course, there was a time when men had the role of protector and provider, and rightly so. This does NOT make men better than women but simply attests to the fact that because men are faster and stronger, men had the role of providing protection from wild animals, capturing food, and clearing land to make homes. Yes, women also helped in this effort but the role of protector and provider was not a woman's priority, and instead, women guided and supported men in the survival of humanity by helping to create and evolve societies, and raising families. Said differently, a woman would say, "Honey, I'm cold." In response, the man would venture out into the forest, build a bridge to cross the river, develop a weapon to kill a bear, develop a tanning process to clean the pelt, and then present it to his "honey" to keep her warm. Women inspired men to build even better bridges, to create better weapons to kill more bears, and to design better and faster processes to tan pelts to take care of THEIR family. Even during these more primitive times, women (and men) still had a need to find a man (or woman) who shared their values, interests, and objectives. The conditions were different than now, but the roles were exactly the same. Let's be for real, clearly there were some men who ventured into the forest to kill the bear and got killed! And, for her own survival, his widow learned to avoid "joining" with men who didn't measure-up to her standards for building bridges, killing bears, and keeping her and her children warm. Duh.

Today, we live in a civilized society where there's no need for killing bears. Yes, men throughout the middle east and in other parts of the world continue to use religion, culture and tradition to oppress women, but let's not confuse the stupidity of male chauvinism with an intrinsic desire for men and women to be together in harmony. In this regard, nothing has changed. Women, and men, still want to "join" with someone who shares their values, interests, and objectives. The statement, "[We are] The Men We Wanted To Marry" is in itself a contradiction because it implies that women, who don't want a male "provider" and "protector," are still judging men on their ability to be a "provider" and "protector." Makeup you mind, damnit. Piss or get off the pot.

It's a big mistake for women, who believe they're playing the role of a man, to think they're actually men. They're not men. White people who hang around Black people, who talk Black, dress Black, and have Black girlfriends or boyfriends are not Black. The word "nigger" ain't referring to anybody White. Likewise, "bitch" and "bastard" have their own gender preferences. Oh, women work all right, own homes, and even have children. But they'll never be a daddy, no matter how much money they earn or how often they play catch with their children. Yes, these are smart, and hard working women and mothers, but that's all. Conversely, visit any family court and judges repeatedly tell both responsible and deadbeat dads that being a father is NOT just about making money or taking-care-of-business (TCB). It takes more to be a father than just being a man and, conversely, just because someone is a man doesn't necessarily make them a good father. There are too many historical examples that witness this fact. Use your common sense.

People want to be with people who compliment them, who complete them, who make them whole, and miscegenation repeatedly proves this point. A relationship is a "joining" process were two people, without regard to their age, race, sex, color, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation or disability or income attempt to find a commonality, a oneness. Ideally, it should be anchored to love, but clearly, in today's world people "join" for all kinds of reasons. This "joining" often creates a family, and in an ideal family women and men have a variety of roles that, depending on the situation, empowers one or the other parent to be in a position of leadership, but it's not an autocracy. Ultimately, a family is a team effort and responsible women and men recognize this. For both women and men who struggle at finding the right person to "join" with it all comes down to one word: choice. Women should not blame men for their FAILURE to make good choices. The same thing applies to men.

Relationships lasted longer when survival of the human race was the MAJOR factor for "joining." But, in the absence of over population, nuclear war, destruction of our environment or other such atrocity, our survival is no longer at question. Consequently, finding the "right" person, which is not a pure science, requires women and men to use different criteria to measure and determine exactly who to "join" with. Yes, at this point in our civilization a woman can easily use her own CAD program to design her own bridge, design her own weapon, pull the trigger to kill her own bear, run the factory the tans it, and then wear her own bear coat. Of course, since bears are an endangered species, women guilty of this crime can also pay the fine and serve time in prison just like men, but they're still women as any woman would promptly discover if she were locked in a cell with male prisoners! Women have ALWAYS been women, and men have ALWAYS been men. Nothing has changed! Use your common sense.

This process of "joining" merges instinct (emotion), and reason (intellect), and love can, unfortunately, make this process even murkier. Nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and 40% of second marriages end in divorce, and most divorces occur after nearly 9 years of marriage. Men and women have more "options" today than ever before and, clearly, too many women, and men, don't look far enough and deep enough before making…choices.

If women and men made better choices, they could lovingly cuddle together under their imitation bear rug and do the nasty. Use your common sense and stop pointing fingers at the other sex. It all begins with you!

Trip Reynolds is a freelance writer, artist, athlete and human resource professional
who lives in Colorado, and yes, he's been married and has no regrets!
Right now, he's considering his…choices.

 

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